Wednesday, June 18, 2008

8 Life Lessons Learned at the Indy 500

A few weeks ago I made the pilgrimage to the white trash mecca known as the Indy 500, located in my hometown of Indianapolis, Indiana. Over the long weekend, I learned a series of life lessons from a number of mulleted prophets. For your convenience, I went through all of my pictures* from the weekend, and filtered out the ones that would make you immediately lose faith in humanity and focused on the ones that emphasized the 8 Life Lessons Learned at the Indy 500.

*Please note that all jean shorts and mullets were all too real, and none of the photos were doctored to exaggerate the trashiness of the event for a humorous effect. Also, please click on each photo if the lesson is unclear, its easier to get the full effect with a larger picture.

"Fashion Statements are not just
the Rich and Famous"

I know what you are thinking "the race sounds fun, but what are the ground breaking fashion trends that you saw, that I can look forward to seeing on the runways in Milan later this year?" .... will it be the orange hair to match your dad's equally orange hat? the mesh hat that has the name of a 1970's porn movie? I think its obvious that the next big thing will be the futuristic rectangle sunglasses that take the cutting edge trendiness of Blue Blockers and combine it with Marty McFly's futuristic style in Back to the Future II. Who doesn't want the sunglass equivalent of the McFly's hoverboard in the movie? And don't tell me that I'm the only one that bought the Back to the Future trilogy on dvd when it came out..... oh, i am? Really? never mind then.

"Respect Your Elders"

Hi, my name is Jason, and I was Adrian's roommate in college and when he lived in Chicago. I am only a couple months older than he is, but I think I am very fancy because I have matured at a normal rate in the last 10 years while Adrian appears to be stuck in a permanent state of arrested development....which means while he is living illegally in Chinatown, I am living in a large house with my wife and newly born twins. I am also secretly jealous that Adrian stayed up until 2:30am last night playing Mario Kart on Nintendo Wii, which is eerily similar to what he did 10 years ago when we were roommates*.

* Please note that Jason did not actually say or write this because he is too busy doing his job and helping support his wife and kids. I do believe that this is exactly what he would have said..... minus the word "fancy", because that's just a weird thing to say.

"You don't have to Own a Hybrid to Conserve Our Natural Resources"

Hi, we are Adrian's friends and the nice people that he met while car pooling to and from the race. While we are mature adults, for this weekend we are squeezing into very uncomfortable places.... like the back seat of a Honda Civic. We love the earth and want to help conserve its natural resources, but not enough to drop $50K on a hybrid car, so we are kicking it old school and jamming a bunch of people into the back seat and slapping a "save the whales" bumper sticker on the back of the car. We were very concerned about this whole Global Warming thing, until Adrian explained that it was make-believe, just like Elves, Gremlins, and guys who like Hugh Grant movies.

"Break Gender Stereotypes Whenever Possible"

Hi, its your favorite gender role trailblazers here..... "the spikey hair guy in jean shorts" and "the guy on another guy's shoulders". Why should girls get all the fun of good views at concerts and less leg constriction from long pants? Oh, you disagree.... well, doesn't that make you the closed minded ones? For all this crap I hear from you elitist coast residents about "fly over zone", it looks like we are really the ones acting on gender equality and you are just talking about it. Looks like you guys just got served. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go yell at women to take their tops off.....

The important thing to realize about the pictures above is that whether you are a fat guy who loves car racing or two hot girls who are being paid to hang out with fat guys who love car racing, everyone loves "slip and slides". (except in the case of the guy on the top right, who loves "slip and immediately be mocked by a giant crowd of people and slide")

"Give Your Daughters the Attention They Desperately Need When They Are Young"

For parents, soon to be parents, and guys who "just think it feels better" without protection, if you only remember one life lesson from the Indy 500, make it giving your daughters attention they desperately need when they are young....... so a crowd of three thousand trashy guys don't have to 10 years later.

"Brush and Floss Daily"

Seems pretty self explanatory..... but then again, so did the instructions "don't do Crystal Meth".

"Moderating Food Consumption is not as Important as Moderating Alcohol Consumption"

It appears that while eating Texas Style BBQ turkey legs with a side of Biscuits and Sausage gravy might hurt you in the long run, losing your equilibrium and face planting right in front of a group of police officers will hurt you much more in the immediate future. (Don't worry, she was fine..... and I'm sure she just had an inner ear infection or something non-alcohol related)

"Don't Skip Out on Driving Down to Indianapolis for the One Weekend when all Your College Friends get Together Because you 'Have to Work on Your Deck Because Your Brother in Law is Graduating Next Weekend', thus Making Your Friends Play Golf with a Total Stranger for Over 5 Hours"

Hi, my name is Tom. I am the guy in the top right of the picture who is 30 years older than everyone else, wearing jean shorts and a Pacers hat..... and a Pacers shirt, Pacers Socks, and I have a Pacers sweatshirt and Pacers club headcover in the golf cart. I will be spending the next 5 and a half hours with you because your friend Walt Keating decided not to drive down from Detroit to see his close friends the one time they get together during the year because his brother in law will be graduating high school the next weekend..... oh i almost forgot, i am also hanging with you guys because no one will play golf with me because I am awful to be around and I feel the need to share my expert commentary on everything that is being discussed within a 50 yard radius of me. I will spend the next five hours speaking to you about the following completely believable topics:

1. Why Larry Bird told me that I'm the only one who can control Ron Artest, and that the brawl in Detroit incident would never have happened if I was in charge*
2. Why I really believe that I will be the next head coach of the Pacers, even though I have no coaching experience except for when I volunteered to coach for a 4th grade girls' AAU team.
3. Why everything you do in life can be improved by my listening to my nonstop critiquing of everything I see
4. Why any bad shot I hit is caused by the people in front of me who are too slow, the people behind me who are too loud, and the guys I am playing with who are enjoying themselves too much. I will also yell at all of these groups sporadically over the next 5 hours.

* Please note that Tom has no affiliation with the Pacers, and when asked about these statements, the organization released a statement saying "who?"

I really wish I was exaggerating about any one Tom's points, but unfortunately they are 100% true..... especially coaching a 4th grade girl's AAU team.


So, just like the end of each Full House episode, I will sit down with you and end this Webl with the moral of the story:

If you take these 8 life lessons to heart, you will mature at a normal rate, cut down on oil prices, increase the self confidence of women and spikey haired men wearing jean shorts, keep most of your teeth, get to eat your side of biscuits in gravy in a non-jail like environment, and most importantly not force your friends to hang out with a compulsive liar for 5 straight hours. I hope you have learned your lesson DJ and Michelle.....

1 comment:

TAB Zealot said...

So I was just checking out your photos, epic summary and Critique of the Indy 500 and am left pondering one big question.
"Don't they race cars at this event?"
Nowhere is there even the slightest mention or picture of an automobile.
Well done.