Thursday, May 1, 2008
No One Likes Your NEW AND IMPROVED Blog
The reason that I am writing this mildly coherent rambling or “post” as real bloggers call it is to explain why I have a blog and more importantly why you should start/keep reading it. I decided the best way to do this is by having a State of the Union type address, and since I only watched 30 seconds of the last one before I realized there was a Small Wonder marathon on Nick at Night, all I got out of the speech was that the president talks for about 1 minute and then listens to applause for 2 minutes. So to keep with this format, please include your own applause after every paragraph, and if you don't feel that applause captures your emotion at the time, feel free to shout out your favorite political catch phrase like "yes we can!", "yes, we will!", or "yes, there is a slight possibility that we don't have anything better going on currently!"
"No one cares about WHY I WRITE A BLOG ...."
1. The first reason I write a blog is because I have a life philosophy to put myself in as many situations as possible that will result in an amusing interaction, observation, non life threatening injury, or story to share the next day. Since I hate coming up with original topics and discussions, this blog will strictly be about things that I see that I find funny and will never contain opinions or beliefs. While I might go on a rant about an occasional theory, I promise it will never be well thought out and be very half cocked.... in fact, it will barely be one quarter cocked…. okay, that sounds bad, let's move on to the next point....
2. My memory resets every 2 minutes or so, in a similar way to the main guy in the movie Memento. And to go along with this short memory is a short attention span. So these posts will be a reminder to myself what I have done, where I have gone, and what was funny about it. They will also be short enough to read while pretending to listen to your coworker talk at length about their new diet/pet/plan to take over the human race/jogging route/etc.
3. The most important reason for me to write this is that I am making it easier for you to mock me in a public forum. One thing I miss about living close to my friends from high school and college is the constant mocking of anything I do that is outside the norm. So, if you have a witty criticism of me, my blog, my personal hygiene, or anything else that could publicly humiliate me, please post it in the comments section below each posting.
As people who know me have figured out, I don't put sustained effort into many things (for evidence, please see my ikea furniture, dozens of partially read books on my shelves, my undergraduate GPA, etc), so the pattern of the blog will now be short bursts of random posts instead of the previous long posts covering 12 months of activity. While it may be annoying to receive more emails about updated blogs, the posts will be a little more current and you can ignore topics that make you physically ill to think about.
"No one cares WHAT I WRITE ABOUT" ...
I promise not to discuss any opinions on politics, music taste, what's wrong with any part of the world, and I also promise not to claim expertise on anything besides being able to play "name that tune" for cheesy 90's hip hop at a professional level.
If you read this and it doesn't sound up your alley, just shoot me an email or send it to your junk folder. If it does sound interesting or at least mildly tolerable, keep it and you will receive 18 additional blog posts for 84% off the cover price. And on top of that, you will also receive the Football Phone..... or else you'll just get more updates when I post new things. Sorry, got a little carried away with the promotional offer.
"No one cares WHAT I CALL MY BLOG" ...
After much (and by “much”, I mean "very little") debate, I have decided that the term blog is not appropriate for my weblog. I have found through personal experience that when I say the phrase "my blog" is usually met with a look that conveys the unspoken question/critique "why do you have a blog? You don't fit any of the current criteria for writing one, which are: being a paid journalist, being passionate about a topic, updating it daily if not hourly, being a coherent writer, living a life worth writing about, or having a kid that does amusing things that need to be shared like eating and making different faces while eating”. So long rant short, I will be referring to the writing previously known as a blog as a ..... (drum roll)......a WEBL (pronounced "wee-bull"). Now hear me out before you close out of the browser- WEBL is a good name for a number of reasons -
1. It looks like the mildly credible local radio station – “WEBL – Local News, Sports and Weather” that competes with the local radio station - "WZZZ's Zainy Zoo Crew", which uses a ridiculous amount of sound effects that include overdone laughing sounds, noises from various parts of the body, and a desperate woman that sounds suspiciously like a 1-900 operator, and all other things ZAINY!
2. It has the same pronunciation as one of the Graham family's childhood toy's - the Weeble, which as the more maturely aged readers know that it “wobbles but doesn’t fall down”.
So, with these thoughts in mind - warm up your junk folders and delete keys, ignore the basic rules of grammar and social norms, and please enjoy my future WEBL posts….